Hello, dear parents or loved ones.  Thank you for being here.  You are not alone, and it means so much to me to share this space with those who understand.

I started this Blog in response to the loss of my precious, sweet son, Grayson, who was rescued to his heavenly home on March 16, 2024 at the age of 11. After his death, I was desperately seeking out a support group, online friends, or anyone who could help me figure out how to carry the loss of my beloved child.  

Sadly, I didn’t find a lot of support.  I tried Grief Share, which is an amazing program, and I am in no way suggesting that Grief Share hasn’t been a blessing to thousands of people.  However, most of the group members aren’t experiencing the loss of a child – many of them lost a parent or a sibling.  While the loss of a child is not valued as greater than the loss of a parent, it is a different type of grief.  

It is unnatural.  

We always expect that one day we will lose our parent due to the natural order of things, but we never consider losing our child before our own life.  We hope to never have to even imagine a life where that’s true.  If you’re visiting my page, this may be true for you and if it is, I know it’s your worst nightmare realized.  It’s unbearable.  It’s unfathomable.  And, it’s unfair.  I have felt all of these things and so much more – it would take a hundred pages to accurately explain the multitude of feelings I have felt since the last day I spoke to my son.

When Grief Share didn’t help me, I tried to join an online support group, but they were either overwhelmingly negative or they weren’t faith-based.  After reading so many negative comments online – lives literally destroyed – spirits crushed – hearts shattered – I vowed that my life would not be ruined by this.  I didn’t know where to get support, so I just tried to go on living my life the best I could.  I went to back to church, and just tried to be the best version of myself that I could.

But that didn’t work either.  I tried to keep my grief bottled up.  I tried to trap it in the basement of my soul with big, sturdy latches.  But grief isn’t kind.  It doesn’t behave.  It doesn’t work with your schedule.  It bangs on the door where you tried to contain it, and it constantly threatens to spill out all over your day.  And, most of the time, it wins.  

I am convinced that losing a child is the most heart-wrenching human experience anyone can endure.  I once saw a post depicting a woman in an eternal scream inside her mind.  That image reminds me of how I feel some days. But, I know that God doesn’t want me to live the remainder of my days on Earth in a never-ending scream. 

I know that He wants me to live a life of victory in our Lord Jesus Christ, which can sometimes seem impossible when I’m carrying such a heavy burden in my heart.  I also know that He wants me to hand over that burden, but that simple action seems so contrary to every instinct I have as a mother.  WE are the protectors.  WE are the ones that ensure our children are safe and have everything they ever needed since the time they were born.  But, when they’re not here anymore, who are WE now?   

Even though my life will never look like it did before, I know that through the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit and the promises through Christ activated in my daily life, I can live a full life – not a better life than before – and definitely a different life – but it can still be full of so much love, hope, and joy.  

I hope to create a community where we can share stories and learn from one other.  I hope to inspire a sense of anticipation as we wait to be reunited with our precious children.  I’m not 100% sure what this site will become, but if nothing else, maybe we can lean on one another and learn to trust God better…together.  

Despite all the good things I hope to come out of this journey, I am also not under any illusions that this is a path to total joy and peace – at least not on Earth.  Grief is messy.  Grief is complicated and has an infinite amount of layers that don’t fit into a neat, orderly life.  In a sense, your life loses all order.  It becomes frayed and jagged.  I used to tell people, “I feel like a puddle” because I didn’t know how to explain this feeling of being unhinged.

Because of this truth, I know I need community…and the Father God…all the time.  Because grief can make us feel this way, we need Jesus more than ever.  Throughout my entire journey, I have only ever found peace in the presence of the Lord.  The words of Christ from John 14:27 have never felt more true to me than right now.  He promised to leave me with peace that the world could not offer.  And, He was right.  The world didn’t satisfy before, and it won’t now either.

We need God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to navigate us through this, and we also need each other for guidance, support and encouragement.  Waiting is not easy, and it’s even more difficult if we shut ourselves off from God and one another.  I hope to learn from you and I hope to be a blessing to others as well.

Remember, you are seen, you are loved, your feelings are valid, and you are not alone on this journey.